I have been marinating on a thought for a few months now. It surfaced again as I spoke at an FEA conference this past week. (FEA is the Future Educators of America). The attendees were high school students, very sharp and most of them planning to become teachers as adults.
As I interacted with them, I saw so much good in them. At the same time, a few of my conversations reminded me of how much adults lie to kids. You read that right. We tell lies to our children, without even knowing it. Most of them are well meaning, but they are lies all the same. Let me toss out a few of them here...
* You can be anything you want to be...
* You are special. You are the best...
* Don't worry about what anyone else thinks...
I said all three of those things to my kids as they grew up. I meant them, too. But the more I ponder their ramifications, the more I see how they lead to trouble. For instance, I do not believe we can be anything we want to be. I will never play major league baseball or sing at the opera. My gifts just don't align with those dreams. And...while I believe all kids want to feel special, I spoke to some recently who've graduated from college and they feel they were lied to when mom told them they were special. They attended a university where there were thousands of other "special" kids, more talented than they were, competing for roles and scholarships...and reality hit. They did not stand out; they were not the best. Of course, everyone wants to feel special, but we need to clarify what that means. They are unique. As for the third lie, I understand why adults make that statement to kids. They want them to think independently. However, none of us live in a world of isolation. We live in communities and we must consider the impact of our thoughts, words and actions on others.
So, I am still reflecting on how we can communicate these ideals to our children without lying to them. What are your thoughts?
More than that, what are some lies you've heard adults telling kids that might just come back to haunt them later?
Tim
6 comments:
Hi Tim,
Let's assume we lie to our children because we want to protect them and at the same time are aware of their ability (or inability) to understand what we're talking about.
Perhaps the problem lies not in the lie but the lack of followup. Do children understand special easier than unique? When they come to understand unique do we as adults followup with clarification?
"Don't worry about what anyone else thinks" may be the start of "...because you are a child and I want to protect your childhood. People will think positive and negative things about you and act upon those. Reacting to what other people think is a sure path to sadness..." or "...because they don't understand the full situation about you..."
If you haven't already, take a look at "If Harry Potter ran General Electric" by Tom Morris. He has a wonderful chapter on the exploration of the different levels of lies and their implications.
David Buchan
I say, just quote scripture to them all their young lives. that way, they'll get it stuck in there memory and also have something solid to found their lives on. like "God has plans to prosper you, i'm positive he's got something amazing for you."
as for lying... how about:
"You'll grow up to be just like your father!"
or
"Follow your Heart!"
(that one always got me into trouble)
What a thought provoking post!!!
As an adult who did not grow up in a Christian home and did not hear that I was special, I would like to share my thoughts from that perspective. I longed to be loved an accepted, but I never found that on earth. It was not until I met Jesus as my Savior that I felt loved and valued for the first time. I think we can go "higher" on the point of telling our kids that they are special. In the natural our children may be average, but in the supernatural realm of God, our children are the apple of His eye - a,k.a...special. I did not graduate with honors in high school or college, but I knew that God was proud of me. I knew that God loved me and I don't think we can go wrong with telling them that God loves them and has special plans for them. After all, scientists have proven that there is no person exactly like us - therefore in Christ we are special, loved and accepted.
Here is what I propose: Instead of "You're special" - how about telling them what God says, "God formed you in your mother's womb - He has amazing plans for YOU! He created you for His special purposes, but it will be up to them to find out what that is. Hence, the quest for our destiny in Christ.
Instead of: Don't worry about what everyone else thinks - how about "When you put your head on your pillow each night, the only thing that matters is what God thinks." Proverbs tells us that we will have favor with God and man when we put mercy and truth around our neck. I think if we again, go "higher" and let them know that if they will follow God and His Word with all of their heart - that is what matters.
Anyway, this is good stuff Tim! Thanks for making us think.
By the way, I met you several years ago when I worked with Jon Bennett at Hope Chapel. It was great to find you on the internet.
Many Blessings!
Tracy
http://www.tracyhurst.com
I wish I had more insight to add to this one, but I can only add a resounding YES. That phrase "you can be anything you want to be" - although much more true in this age and culture than probably at any other time and place - is a burden and source of guilt for those who either don't know their calling or choose just a few areas in which to excel. It wasn't until the end of high school that I started to admit that I wasn't great at everything. Nor was I interested in everything that I was great at. My interests have both narrowed and broadened since then. Every once in a while I think of what else I might have done, and it is mind-boggling. Yet I think it all comes down to walking forward in Christ, going the way He calls me to go, and that may or may not have anything to do with what anyone else would perceive as my areas of greatest usefulness in ministry or fulfillment of potential.
I'm brand new to the blog. Really good stuff. I am a parent of 3 and always thought along the lines you are communicating. My wife and I have always wanted to tell our kids the truth in a way that was meaningful to them. I'll keep reading.
Thank you for the corrections, I guess parents wanted their children to feel confident, and parents did not really take deep thoughts into the words they spoke...
I'm really blessed by the insight..
I'll keep reading too!!
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